silent ramblings

Something may have happened... or maybe my family have fallen off the face of the earth. Either way they are officially dumped. Just letting you know.

Moving on...

I'm not sure what to write. I feel sick in the tummy. Not sure what it is. 1 week back into it. I have not assumed all of the same duties as I was earlier this year - thank goodness. I have learnt never to over extend and always say yes. I have decided on a few smaller projects to fill my time here but just can't seem to find energy to commence them. I did some painting this morning. Is it lunch already. The vollage is a building site. So much noise. No quiet. No room in which to work in to escape the constant conversation and chatter in the office. How does any work get done. I miss my old bedroom. Everything is different. I knew it would be. But I was silly to think that I was prepared for it. How can you really prepare for the unknown.

Mamas are good. Kiddies are good. Same old there. Just not feeling it yet.

My new roomie Eve has the most divine singing voice. I only discovered it last night but I'm sure she will grow tired of me asking her to sing for me before the week is out.

Power out last night. Hope we don't get too many of them in the coming weeks.

Supposed to go to a halloween party on fri night. The ex-pat community generally make me sick. Things you do to keep the peace.

It's gotta be lunch time...

Update - Back in Sinon

We made it to Arusha with all the usual drama that international travel brings. Sleep deprived, hungry, smelly and minus one bag (my bag 'lost' en route) we were greeted by the familiar and friendly face of Shona.

First impression being back - Tanzania is not the scary place I had prepared myself for. Actually not scary at all!. I am taking appropriate steps in the name of self preservation to make sure I am not in a situation that I might find difficult but thus far an relieved that the country and people I fell in love with 10 months ago still exists.

First day back in Sinon - The Mamas almost knocked me out as they competed for cuddles and kisses as I arrived. A lovely welcome. The kiddies a little shy initially but smiled wide when I bent down to give each of them each a personal cuddle and a hello. 2 actors shooting a mini-series locally with BBC led the Mama meeting with games yesterday afternoon. One of them Bruce was in 'the Office'. Apparently famous, I didn't recognise either of them. They joined us and the other volunteers at the local pub after Mama meeting where Nick and I caught up on the news from the last few months over a Tuska Baridi (cold beer). We caught a cab back into town and stayed the night at a hostel.

Today we are moving back into the community of Sinon. I feel like this is where I want to be and can go stay in town at any time if I choose. We are staying with other fws volunteers at Edmond Rice volunteer accommodation (called Mshomba) down the road from fws volunteer village (now dubbed the 'vollage') and will stay here for a couple of weeks until the new security system is finished at the vollage.

So much to tell but this will have to do for now...will write again soon I promise...

Happy Bday Kez!!!!!

xxx

Fear

So everything went to poo after my last post...Not really worth regaling the events. If you know me then you will already know. Suffice to say that it was just one of those things. To some it might seem that I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I wasn't. Quite the contrary in fact. I was certainly in the right place... A place where I knew that I was completely useful and unique. There was not one person at that time that could offer what I could to that community. Egocentric thing to say but honestly that was my pay off. I was in my element. I had purpose.

And the timing...couldn't have been any better. For so many reason.

I knew leaving at the end of the year would be difficult. Having to leave early did sour things somewhat but I can't say that I wasn't expecting to feel what I am now. What I wasn't expecting is a fear of returning. I am angry at those men for everything that they have done. For taking Darren and everything that went along with him. For taking me away from a community that needs me just as much as I need them. For disrupting my sleep and violently helping themselves to those that I adore most in my world. I am angry at those men for the fear that I now have within me.

I have been told I am brave for going back. I think it would be more difficult not to.

Tanzania is no more or less dangerous than the country I currently reside. And an email I received this morning from a Tanzanian employee and friend at Kesho Leo is a timely reminder of that.

I will be back in Tanzania this time next week. I don't want to be afraid anymore.