I'm baaaaack!

It's been so long!!! Do I really want to enter the blogger world again???

So much has happened in my world since my last post.

I still like to think my thoughts and ramblings are of interest to some. If not then perhaps a medium to chronicle life's journey.

Yes, I do like that idea.

See you soon!!!...

H x

'Oh I do love reading your blog!'

Ok so 1 week turns into 1 month but it's not like I have been idle or anything. I am in a foreign country and am extremely busy!

But a promise is a promise and I have yet again let you down. Well let my Dad down, seems he enjoys his random blogger update.

There is just this one little niggly thing that has been bugging me though. The popularity and hype associated with blogs these days. I just annoys me. And is the main reason I have not written a post in a little while. Blogs have become a bit too trendy and there seems to be one too many self appointed literary critics out there that want to read your post and then rip it to shreds like it is a high school essay with them the head of the English department.

I started a blog way back whenever it was as a way to communicate with may family and friends where I was in the world and what I was up to. Heaps easier than a group email because those who care and want to read it will. It seems now people around me are more worried about the spelling mistakes or a particular analogy being 'so third grade' that I think they actually forget to read the post content. When will people realise that blogs are just another product of our societies inability to personally communicate with each other and stop treating them like a literary piece waiting to be edited. And in the end if they don't like a persons blog and its content...then they shouldn't read it!

These are my words
These my ideas
This is what I have been up to
This is my blog

If I wanted to be a writer I wouldn't have studied nursing

Peace x

lessons learned

Week two and it's probably time for an update. Especially after my last correspondence was a little dark and stormy. I never know what will become of the post when I set out to write it. And it's always dictated by the mood I am in when I sit down at the computer. Here we go again...

What I have learnt over the last week is that I can't expect anything. Especially from myself. I cannot make assumptions. I have to be willing to ride the wave until the very end. That is after all why I am back here in this very situation. It is lessons like these that I would like to take with me long after I have left the dusty confines of Sinon. What is... is. Take it, experience it, deal with it and move on.

I would like to think that I personally am my only constant. This would indicate to me a sense of control in my life. But at the moment it would seem that I have relinquished that role to my beloved... I am so very lucky and grateful to have him here with me. But my mind. It plays tricks on me. As I process it all and move throughout my day I can go from bright and cheery to dark and gloomy in a matter of moments, for no apparent reason at all. I don't trust myself and find it difficult to be in control.

I'm trying to read, write and take time out for myself but this has led me to be a little self absorbed. Maybe all of my daily woes would be less significant if I concentrated on something other than me... *light bulb moment*

Till next week and hopefully something a little more inspired....

H x

silent ramblings

Something may have happened... or maybe my family have fallen off the face of the earth. Either way they are officially dumped. Just letting you know.

Moving on...

I'm not sure what to write. I feel sick in the tummy. Not sure what it is. 1 week back into it. I have not assumed all of the same duties as I was earlier this year - thank goodness. I have learnt never to over extend and always say yes. I have decided on a few smaller projects to fill my time here but just can't seem to find energy to commence them. I did some painting this morning. Is it lunch already. The vollage is a building site. So much noise. No quiet. No room in which to work in to escape the constant conversation and chatter in the office. How does any work get done. I miss my old bedroom. Everything is different. I knew it would be. But I was silly to think that I was prepared for it. How can you really prepare for the unknown.

Mamas are good. Kiddies are good. Same old there. Just not feeling it yet.

My new roomie Eve has the most divine singing voice. I only discovered it last night but I'm sure she will grow tired of me asking her to sing for me before the week is out.

Power out last night. Hope we don't get too many of them in the coming weeks.

Supposed to go to a halloween party on fri night. The ex-pat community generally make me sick. Things you do to keep the peace.

It's gotta be lunch time...

Update - Back in Sinon

We made it to Arusha with all the usual drama that international travel brings. Sleep deprived, hungry, smelly and minus one bag (my bag 'lost' en route) we were greeted by the familiar and friendly face of Shona.

First impression being back - Tanzania is not the scary place I had prepared myself for. Actually not scary at all!. I am taking appropriate steps in the name of self preservation to make sure I am not in a situation that I might find difficult but thus far an relieved that the country and people I fell in love with 10 months ago still exists.

First day back in Sinon - The Mamas almost knocked me out as they competed for cuddles and kisses as I arrived. A lovely welcome. The kiddies a little shy initially but smiled wide when I bent down to give each of them each a personal cuddle and a hello. 2 actors shooting a mini-series locally with BBC led the Mama meeting with games yesterday afternoon. One of them Bruce was in 'the Office'. Apparently famous, I didn't recognise either of them. They joined us and the other volunteers at the local pub after Mama meeting where Nick and I caught up on the news from the last few months over a Tuska Baridi (cold beer). We caught a cab back into town and stayed the night at a hostel.

Today we are moving back into the community of Sinon. I feel like this is where I want to be and can go stay in town at any time if I choose. We are staying with other fws volunteers at Edmond Rice volunteer accommodation (called Mshomba) down the road from fws volunteer village (now dubbed the 'vollage') and will stay here for a couple of weeks until the new security system is finished at the vollage.

So much to tell but this will have to do for now...will write again soon I promise...

Happy Bday Kez!!!!!

xxx

Fear

So everything went to poo after my last post...Not really worth regaling the events. If you know me then you will already know. Suffice to say that it was just one of those things. To some it might seem that I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I wasn't. Quite the contrary in fact. I was certainly in the right place... A place where I knew that I was completely useful and unique. There was not one person at that time that could offer what I could to that community. Egocentric thing to say but honestly that was my pay off. I was in my element. I had purpose.

And the timing...couldn't have been any better. For so many reason.

I knew leaving at the end of the year would be difficult. Having to leave early did sour things somewhat but I can't say that I wasn't expecting to feel what I am now. What I wasn't expecting is a fear of returning. I am angry at those men for everything that they have done. For taking Darren and everything that went along with him. For taking me away from a community that needs me just as much as I need them. For disrupting my sleep and violently helping themselves to those that I adore most in my world. I am angry at those men for the fear that I now have within me.

I have been told I am brave for going back. I think it would be more difficult not to.

Tanzania is no more or less dangerous than the country I currently reside. And an email I received this morning from a Tanzanian employee and friend at Kesho Leo is a timely reminder of that.

I will be back in Tanzania this time next week. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

The sweet gift of time

A cold Saturday morning here in the village. Deciding last week in an attempt restore the balance between work and play that Saturdays will be a 'no work day'. But what does one do with this new gift of time? All I have managed to do this morning is sleep in till 8am, attempt to stomach unpalatable porridge when there is no milk left (the gods punishing me for sleeping in), check my emails - no one loves me, and now suffering the fate of my third cup of tea this morning. Honestly!

So with nothing better to do I am compelled to write... I am almost certain that no one views this blog, and that suits me. I like the idea of writing publicly for no one in particular. But what to report? There is so much to tell. So many stories. There is so much happening every day that I don't know where to start. Maybe the quandary for every avid blogger. I am not much of a story teller and historically my blog could be viewed as petty ramblings, the mental inner workings of a traveling nurse. Nothing has changed. My mind still functions primarily with emotion. Feelings before thought. This is how it has always been...

So the comment I hear most is 'it must be so hard over there'. And to be honest I have to reply 'No, it really isn't that hard!'. Certainly challenging at times, but the image of a skeletal, fly blown, sad child's face that some of the aid agencies use to help you part with your money does not really exist here, well not to the extent that one might think. Sure there is people living without access to clean water or food. Without access to a health care (and even the ones that do this service continues to fail them-but that's another post). But on a whole I would have to say that the local people I meet everyday are generally happy. Happy with their lives, happy with their families and content with what they have. For sure they have to struggle at times to make ends meet but who doesn't. Most don't know any different. I'm not saying that they don't deserve a better life. They do just as much as anyone. I'm just saying that it is not 'hard' to interact with local people who are generally happy and consider themselves fortunate to have what they have.

The most difficult element to this year so far for me would have to be living with the people you work with. You never escape them. You can never have a bad day at the office without it spilling into a bad evening at home. You go to bed tense and wake with sore shoulders and a stiff neck only to have to face it again over breakfast. I don't mean to whine. The other volunteers are mostly decent people. It's just that the smallest of things can never be aired, never be shared with friends or your partner over dinner. It just sits there, unprocessed and unresolved. Festering in the nucleus of your mind waiting for an opportune (or inopportune) moment to burst free from the cell membrane. Hoping to self that when it does- and it always does, the carnage will be slight leaving very little trail of debris for damage control to sweep up.

Maybe this blog will become the play ground for the impending massacre. Pole (sorry) in advance.

So it's 1145am and I have effectively wasted a morning. Not feeling entirely rested or ready to tackle another week of work. I might go read a book in bed and wait for my beloveds return.

Till next Saturday...